As a performer, stage anxiety has never been my concern. The countless hours spent at rehearsals, choreography, soliciting of costumes, stage marking, and finally working up the nerve to go up on stage in front of seven hundred people is the easier job. What’s harder you ask? It's actually gaining the approval of the nameless angel on my shoulder (my friends call him Mukesh). Mukesh – English & Sociology major, Derrida enjoyer, and a feminist king.
Curating dance performances that make him happy and don’t invoke his critique has been the most crucial thing for me to get right as a performer. After all, he is so loved and kept in high regard by all – there must be something special about him. He is the ultimate voice of reason and the male survivor I’ve been striving my whole life for. I mean sure, he watches five porn films in a day – but that’s only because he’s an ardent supporter of women-oriented media. Yes, he passes lewd comments on his female friends’ bodies – but he does it only in private. At least we never have to hear it directly from him.
He’s also started hiding his problematic thoughts in the guise of an anonymous Satire page, but that’s just because he’s shy and doesn’t want to take up any credit – my sweet, humble Mukesh. He’s made creepy comments about minors performing on stage, but that’s not him being a predator, trust me! He’s just looking out for the kids.
He’s not an unsolicited hater, but rather an experienced critic of dance and the performing arts. His opinions hold immense value for me, because they’ve made me realize my true self-worth and place in the world. I’ve realised that I’m not a dancer or a performer, but a vessel for all his years of repressed masculine insecurities. He’s a very evolved species and understands the nuances of womanhood so well that he’s rescued us from the painful female experience by making us a commodity altogether. Thank you, Mukesh! Thank you for making me see the implications of the male gaze, and for giving me a million more things to keep in mind each time I go on stage.
Turns out, being vulnerable and creative on stage is the least of my worries – my first concern is being wary of audience members like you. As performers, we put our hearts and souls into every piece we put up. We are constantly craving for a safe space, a space that allows us to express ourselves freely, and a space that doesn’t hold us back but instead propels us further to stretch our own limits of creativity. Ashoka has consistently given us the illusion of providing such a space, and we spend hours building and improving performing arts clubs and societies which enrich campus culture.
But hey, Mukesh, you do such a brilliant job at tearing down these walls of illusion. You’re a constant reminder of the male gaze, and never hesitate to fetishize our actions. Because of you, I will stop being scared of blanking on stage or getting a step wrong on Reddy’s. Thank you for making me worried about being an object of your ‘steamy’ and predatory thoughts instead. I will now constantly second-guess myself on campus, and on Reddy’s – spaces I previously regarded as safe. Thank you – my nameless, non-cowardly knight in shining armour – love you.
Note: This piece has been inspired by the Instagram posts made by the Shuttle Pass – an anonymous, self-proclaimed satire page, on 3rd December 2023. The posts were regarding the Abhinaya and Vistaar Showcases, and featured predatory and creepy content for the former, which this article primarily focuses on. The page later took these posts down and announced a sabbatical for the anonymous platform, without taking any direct ownership of them or acknowledging the severity of their content posted.
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