Let’s be honest, sometimes you just need an hour (or four) to wallow in your own misery and question whether you’re really built for a life of academic rigor. Unfortunately for you, your roommate has probably planned a party for the same night you planned to be miserable. Thankfully, there are several ways to thwart their plans and go back to being an unsociable grump. Here are some of my personal favorites:
Air Your Dirty Laundry – and I mean this quite literally. Strategically plan so that your full
load of stinky socks and falling apart underwear is done with the wash cycle moments after
the guests have arrived. Now this is where you get creative; tie several shoelaces together and string them up between your cupboard and desk. Proceed to hang your underwear on your makeshift clothes line while the guests look on in shock and confusion. Upon protests from your roommate, be sure to remind them of the bra-bandits and panty-pocketers that are still on the loose. For extra pizzazz, you can place string lights behind your clothes line for that backlit effect.
Steal the Speaker – politely ask to play music for the excited party-goers under the guise of
innocence and friendly enthusiasm. Locate the “reddit bf song”, also known as Cbat by
Hudson Mohawke and skip to the most important part (0:25). Watch in wonder as your
roommate’s guests sit in uncomfortable silence as you headbang fervently to the only great
song of the 21 st century.
The Amber Heard – you can guess where this is going. Shit in your roommate’s bed. Yeah,
that’s pretty much it. Mood killer for ANY occasion and I cannot think of a single worse
thing that you could do as a roommate. Risks include: possible suspension, being shipped to a mental facility, being stabbed violently by disgusted guests… the list goes on.
Start Sobbing – there is nothing more uncomfortable than having to watch a stranger cry, so
it’s almost guaranteed that your roommate’s guests will leave the room under the pretense of ‘giving you some space’. Once you have (falsely) assured your roommate that you’ll be okay and just need some time to let it all out, apologize for ruining their party and generously suggest they move their location to café aroma instead. If all goes well, you’ll have your room to yourself, and the alarming but exciting thought that your roommate may never actually return.
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