If you’re reading this, chances are you enjoy the occasional* party. And you know what, good for you. You deserve some downtime with friends where you let go, have some fun, get really drunk, sacrifice a virgin, and shake off all your stress. Kalinga gets it.
Unfortunately wardens don’t :(
You know what I’m talking about- the CADI threats, the vape warnings, the covert attacks and raids carried out by the wardens between 11:30 PM and 12:30 AM. And we understand that it is annoying. So, because we’re a club by the people, of the people, for the people, we bring to you a guide on Staying Safe when Partying.
Part 1 begins before the party. It isn’t too difficult. Ensure constant communication with the rest of your friend group on WhatsApp. Stagger your checking in and make sure everyone keeps their footwear either inside the room or in the shoe rack to evade suspicion. According to our research**, a gathering of shoes outside a room is the No.1 reason for getting caught by the wardens. Also make sure you use premium speakers with the best sound quality. The warden cannot come to bust your party if they’re too busy busting some moves to the underrated bangers you’re playing. Cue the Desi Boyz!
Now, say your party has begun and the first two people have already passed out on the same bed. You and your group of insufferable friends are taking sunset filter selfies because none of you can afford an actual lamp. You hear that the warden is making rounds of your floor and your sources confirm that they are walking towards your room with purpose. You didn’t listen to us. You have a pile of shoes outside your door and mid-range speakers. It is my instinct to tell you that you deserve this and to let you face the fate you brought upon yourself. But I won’t. Because I’m a good person. You’re welcome.
Anyway, you’re three minutes away from being busted. There is a sock on your smoke detector and two people aggressively making out right below it. There is vodka and cranberry juice in a puddle under your desk. Your room looks bad and smells worse. It is time to become a diplomat. To leave your room and talk your warden into going away. It is the only way. You’ve got this. Here is the script you will follow.
Warden: What is going on?
You: What do you mean?
Warden: In your room. Are you having a party?
(There is no escaping this)
You: No you’ve got your facts wrong.
Warden: But I can literally hear the music and screaming. And I can smell the alcohol. And the pile of shoes!
You: No. And this is not the place to discuss such matters.
(By now, the warden would also agree with you and would suggest moving you and your friends to their office to continue the conversation. They have an open door policy)
(So you go.)
(You are still the spokesperson. You hate your friends)
Warden: What is your name and your number?
You: Sorry… I have a boyfriend.
(Drunk or not, you’re loyal 😠)
Warden: Is this a joke to you?
You: What is?
Warden (clearly annoyed): Tell me your friends’ names and numbers.
You: I thought this meeting was about me. Why don’t you ask me about me 😤
Warden: ????
Congratulations. You have now bamboozled the warden. They are too confused to speak and you can leave. Beware though, there may be a few posters around campus about you the next day. Try not to feel intimidated by them.
If you are not in the mood to gaslight a grown adult, you could also try to invite the warden in for a shot or two. Everybody asks where the warden is, but no one asks how the warden is. Have they eaten today? How is their life? You could be that person in their life. You never know the struggles another person is going through. Maybe the wardens aren’t trying to bust your parties, they just need a friend. Think about this the next time you villainise them…
Anyway, we hope this guide helps you. I held on to this until it was three days for the semester to end because that way, you can practice these tricks for a month at home and then return as a trained partier.
Happy alcoholism!
*: Ranges from thrice a week to once a semester. No one is safe.
**: Conducted by Kalinga, the leading force in social scientific research in Ashoka University
Comentários