Note from Writer:
If I’ve got my calculations right (and, let’s be honest, I probably have), you have now received your Ashoka email credentials by now. You will soon start receiving emails on it. Once you do (and, trust me, you will), you will want it to stop. You will want to end it all.
For me, at first, it was very cute. I felt so important. I read every email and organised it into special folders with special names and special colours. I deleted all the unimportant ones and I even cleared my spam. It was very organised and #cleangirl of me. Then I started to notice something sinister. Even though I read and sorted or deleted every email upon arrival, I had 5 unread emails. Then 10 unread emails. Then I took a break from deleting emails because I dared to have fun and now I had 57 unread emails. I went on vacation and had 127 unread emails collected over 5 days. The walls started closing in on me and however frantically I organised my emails, the pile would not end. I was Sisyphus and this was my rock. The university that I’m paying more than I’m worth promised me the world but then buried me under emails so I never get to see it. OAA, MAA, OSL, SG, CDC, ABC, EFG, HIJK, elemenopee- I was back in kindergarten learning the alphabet again and I wanted to scream.
And then I realised it’s not that deep and deleted Gmail from my phone.
Due to this, however, I missed two extra credit assignments that everyone knows aren’t really “optional” and didn’t see an offer letter for an internship that pays 10k per month. But at least I was happy, right? At least I didn’t have to see that clutter every afternoon when I woke up and every morning when I fell asleep.
Anyway, that didn’t last long either and I finally started giving Gmail attention again. But by now I was a seasoned warrior. I was a soldier who’s returning half her weight (anddidthetwinflamebruisepaintyoublue). I had figured it out. And now, I am here to help you out. This is Kalinga’s Guide to Coping With Ashokan Emails. Abandon all hope, ye who enter here.
Kalinga’s Guide to Coping With Ashoka University Emails
STEP 1: Understanding them.
Remember, to organise these emails, you first have to understand them. If you just read the first few lines of the email, you will get a very good sense of whether you need to read ahead or not. This will save you a lot of time and effort.
Commonly Used Phrase | What It Means |
“We hope this email finds you well” | I do not know or care about you I am only doing this because I have to |
“Sorry for the spam” | I’m not sorry for anything. If I was really sorry, would I spam? Just do what I’m telling you to do na I know where you live. |
“Due to a large/overwhelming number of requests, “ | Two people applied and one of them was a prank named “Whorebhajan Singh”. We are desperate for people to apply, please just |
we are extending the deadline to apply…” | apply no one has applied we’re fun I swear look at how flexible we are we extended the deadline so much we will not suck the will to live out of you just apply please |
“Final reminder that we’re accepting applications until…” | APPLY NA YAAR WHAT HAVE I DONE TO DESERVE THIS DON’T YOU WANT THAT EXTRACURRICULAR PARTICIPATION DON’T YOU LOVE ME |
“Thanks for getting in touch” | I hate you and everything you had to say |
“Dear SG, pls forward this email to the student body” | I either want to recruit you into my pyramid scheme, sell you stuff that I cannot promise delivery on, recruit you onto my startup (you do all the work), or have a competition you aren’t nearly qualified to register for sorry not sorry |
Event/Workshop/other synonyms | If we don’t do this, OSL will eat us. So we will incessantly email you to join us as we teach you a skill you either don’t care about or already have. Also, this will be held at the worst possible time and everyone who can’t make it is a donkey. |
Reminder: | You know, it is actually very impolite to ignore us like this. The least you could do is fill out a form it really isn’t that hard. I’ve been through the five stages of grief and this is all I can give you. I know you’re tired, I’m tired too. Let’s be tired together please just do it <3 |
“A further clarification” | Are you dumb? |
STEP 2: Organising
Is it from your professor, TF, TA, or Google Classroom? No? Delete. Yes? Read it. Then delete.
That’s all! Yes, it really is that simple! Sometimes you can even skip Step 1 and delete them all. There’s a reminder incoming in a few days anyway. You can never really miss an email and if you do, it just wasn’t meant to be </3.
I hope this helps. Congratulations on being at Ashoka. At least we’re not Jindal.
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